BROKEN AND CONTRITE?

This week has been a challenge because I had to come to terms with some of my thinking habits.  I have been struggling with a perception of loss—loss of progress, loss of trust, loss of family, loss of confidence, loss of opportunities, loss of light, loss of  effectiveness, loss of love, loss of spontaneity, and while I’m at it, loss of identity.  It started off as a broken heart and contrite spirit, I thought.  Broken heart could be an open heart which could be compatible with a sense of happiness, but contrite means “remorse, filled with a sense of guilt; desire for atonement; penitent”; a natural precursor to repentance.  About the only thing in that definition that could produce happiness is the desire for atonement.  I have a lot of remorse and guilt that can bring tears at any given moment. 

In my grief, I asked God for enlightenment because I did not feel filled with the Spirit and we are not supposed to teach without it.  Perhaps that’s why we have so many no shows.  God is protecting people.  Or maybe it’s because we are old and they don’t relate to us.  Or maybe it's my abrupt personality.  Something is wrong.

 Our youngest daughter Natalie had some remarkably wise words on the subject:

2 Corinthians 7:10 “For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”

If you replace the word “sorrow” with the word “guilt” the message is the same: is your feeling of “guilt” or “sorrow” creating real, lasting change (i.e. repentance)?  Or is it creating discouragement, fear, frustration, and pain—in other words, “death” to your hope/happiness/love?  If it’s creating the latter, then it is merely worldly guilt.  It’s not God’s guilt.

Verse 11 goes on to say:

“For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.”

So godly sorrow creates “CAREFULNESS” and “CLEARS” indignation, fear, vehement desire, zeal and revenge.

For me, I’ve found that when I make real change, my sorrow is indeed a happy sorrow.  It’s an elightened sorrow—an “AH HA” moment that helps me overcome what was really going wrong.  It’s a feeling of relief that I finally know what the problem was and now I can correct the issue.

Just like having a broken heart is truly joyful, having a contrite heart is simply the happy, joyful trust that the Lord will show you what needs to change most.

PS You have no shows because the people choose not to show up.  No other reason.

Me: Your PS is so true.  I’m not sure why I’m having these thoughts.  Maybe I’ve always tended toward thought sins and now that I have more time to think, I’m back to the old ways.  Like you say, I haven’t repented.  I’m still not sure how to overcome the anxiety which spawns it.  It’s the fatal flaw syndrome that I thought I was over.  I had that aha a long time ago but no amount of logic, prayer, thinking differently, etc has seemed to permanently root it out.  God has filled me with His love which worked for a long time.  He even let me experience myself as a toddler when I was free from those thoughts, but I can’t seem to sustain it.  I wonder if I’ve ever experienced Godly sorrow.  If not, I have no idea how to change it from what I’m doing.   

Nat:  The Lord knows the answer to the “why” you’re feeling these thoughts.  But one thing is certain—regardless of the “why”--it’s the negative thoughts themselves that need your full efforts toward change (as opposed to the seemingly insurmountable weaknesses that these thoughts always point out).  I have no doubt you will have a great experience with the Lord in the near future.

He LOVES you and wants you to be truly happy.  NOW.

Remember scripture says Job was “perfect” BEFORE his trials came to refine him further.  This teaches us that perfection is far from what we think it is.  And we can be perfect well before we think we are.

You are perfect.  Today.  Right now.  Weakness and all.  Why?  Because when you’re doing your best (which I believe you are but only God can reassure you of that truth), you qualify for the atonement and are therefore perfect through His grace.

I also think you and I have the same tendency to feel we are fatally flawed—and that fault itself never entirely disappears because each new experience or failure re-challenges my confidence that God will make up for where I lack.  But like you mentioned, our turn around times can get faster.

Cut yourself some slack in this new experience.  Missions are hard!  And unlike your job at the VA, where people had respect for you and you could stop seeing them if they didn’t, in GA people are more likely to be hard on you or think you’re just another stuffy religious lady.  It’s not easy for ANYONE to be faced with rejection.  This is your cusp, Mom.  Your whole life has prepared you for this!  You are ready.  You can do it!

Me:  Oh my goodness, my cup runneth over.  In addition to you, the Lord has used so many people this weekend to comfort and direct me.  Here’s the few I can remember:

The Relief Society President felt prompted to tell a story of how a person was weighed down by a bag on his back.  Inside were orbs which he was told to “absorb” (which means to convert!) until they were all gone.  With the weight gone, he was able to help others much more freely. 

Buffy randomly told me about a new book her friend wanted her to read by Virginia Hinkley Pearce:  Through His Eyes: Rethinking What You Believe About Yourself.

 One of our military officers gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting on the Thirteenth Article of Faith and focused on enduring.  He said we couldn’t cram endurance.  We build it by doing small things on a daily basis over a long period of time.  The “small thing” he emphasized throughout his whole talk was controlling our thoughts.

The conference talk we listened to today was Turn To the Lord by Elder Donald L. Hallstrom:  “Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.” 

When I was putting on my armor this morning, I realized it’s His armor and He places it when it is expedient i.e. the breastplate of righteousness is what protects the heart but the shield of faith is what quenches the fiery darts of the Evil One while you’re waiting.  My feet are protected by the gospel of peace and my head (where my thoughts run rampant) is protected by salvation (grace, atonement, even resurrection?  I say resurrection because I suspect part of my problem will not be resolved until my body is renewed.  I often have night terrors where I thrash and cry and scream.  My poor husband has to get out of the bed to protect himself!)      

One of our memorization scriptures for this month:  “And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient” (emphasis added).

Here’s what has happened since.  I began to “absorb my orbs” by swallowing pride.  For example, they have parking lots here that span blocks with only one entrance and exit.  We were late for an appointment and my husband made a wrong turn and got lost in one of those never ending lots.  I started to feel angry and then uncharacteristically started joking about getting caught in a rat maize.  I found myself laughing out loud.  Before long, Kerry started laughing too and pointed out that it must be a roach maize because rats can at least eventually find their way out. 

I’ve had a clear sense that what I have always valued as a talent for finding the shortest distance from A to B was actually fueled by anxiety, and that too much efficiency interferes with relationships, especially the important ones.  I have determined to slow down.

I read that learning is more effective and long lasting if multiple senses are involved.  My husband sent me Pandora, a program for creating your own radio station.  I have been enjoying Bach while I’m eating and memorizing.  I also feel happier.

I started waking up every morning in very cheerful moods, through no effort of my own, other than praying with my husband that I will be protected from whatever is distressing me.  I have not been paying attention to what time it is, but rather how long I’m spending at something.  I’m trying to listen for the Spirit.  Sometimes I feel He says to spend less time, and sometimes more.  Surprisingly, I have been much better prepared for the next day this whole week.   

DO I BELONG?

We were asked to give a fireside on baptism for the Young Women.  As I pondered the rich symbolism of being born again through baptism by immersion of water followed by baptism by immersion with the Holy Spirit, I became more aware of what it means to come out of the world and into the strait (difficult) and narrow path of the Kingdom of God.  Sometimes, instead of fellow saints, we feel like fellow foreigners, depending on what our world was like before and after we entered the "labor" of this introductory covenant.

This week and last week’s Sunday School and Relief Society lessons were on eternal families, temple marriage, and the principle of work.  So many people do not fit the “ideal” nor do they have a lot of hope in attaining it.  How does a teacher encourage members of the Church without inadvertently creating a sense of failure or estrangement or even hopelessness?    

I was reading a life story of a woman who came from a dysfunctional family.  She said, “Remember, nothing bad has happened in your future.”  Instead of diminishing or forgetting the ideal, which is designed to maximize joy and protect us from gigantic setbacks, perhaps we could embrace it for what it is and teach with power from our experience with the less-than-perfect.  If we are doing all we can do, we can go forth in faith and claim our promised blessings in due time.  In the May 2006 General Conference, President Packer said, “Christ is the Creator, the Healer.  What He made, He can fix” and I believe that includes our dreams of perfection.

And those of us who have been so privileged to marry in the temple, who have never gone through a divorce, or who have never been single with a child and had to go on welfare,--perhaps we could humbly acknowledge that "there but for the grace of God go I."  In fact, there are so many exceptions to the ideal that it makes me wonder if having to grapple and grow in the furnace of frustration is an instructive and important part of attaining the ideal for most people.  So let’s hold hands while we walk, because the road to sanctification is not predictable up close, and we might be next.

HOSPITAL ROUNDS

We do weekend rounds at the hospital for the chaplain.  A mother and adult daughter at the hospital were battling the same kind of cancer.  I was wishing I had a cancer survivor story to share with them and one of the old Ensigns I was reading in the bathroom that evening, had the perfect story-- (Twice Spared)!  When I shared it today, six of their extended family was there, and everyone seemed thoroughly pleased with our message.  They all stood up for Elder Baum’s prayer.  We just love these devout people in the South! 

Talks in Church were exceptionally good on the 11^th Article of Faith.  We were taught to “hold and uphold our freedom” and to beware of Satan’s attempt to thwart the freedom of religion through “loud and proud atheists.”  We do not wish to silence them, just prevent them from silencing us.

We fed enchiladas to a dozen soldiers today, two more of whom are starting to come back to Church.

I’m trying out Facebook.  Even though I’m still somewhat intimidated by it, it was good to see and talk to people.  The Church is piloting Facebook missionaries.  

TRANSFER OF MANTLE

As of 30 June 2011, there is no longer a GA Macon Mission.  It was divided up to become part of three other missions.  We are now in the FL Jacksonville Mission (JAX) under President Barry.  It turns out that Sister Barry is the daughter of our dear neighbors Vaughn and Connie Thomas!  Also, Randy and Dianna Graham’s son is a Zone Leader in our mission.  We met a young (as distinguished from old, like us) Sister Gneighting whose uncle was one of Sister Baum’s nursing students (he’s now a Nurse Practitioner with his own clinic).  Her grandfather was in the Southwest Indian Mission with Elder Baum who later worked with him at BYU!  It was like old home week.

Our Zone Conference was so uplifting, we were exhausted when it was over.  President Barry renewed our appreciation for the Atonement, which is the whole reason we are serving a mission.  Christ makes being good worth it.  Admittedly, there are many intrinsic benefits to living the Gospel, but we would still be enslaved by Satan, no matter how good we were, if it weren’t for the Savior.  We could never repay Him.  Not only that, He wants us to be saved as families, so we're also on a mission for our children and grandchildren.  Simone turns 4 years old today.  This is a picture of her in her spaceship.  Wouldn't you WORK to have that baby for eternity???  

  

We had an interesting experience with some of the changes in our mission.  We’ve been trying to keep up with the regimen of the young elders but haven’t quite mastered companion planning and study.   We were also struggling to develop our own goals within the vision of our Mission President.  Our new Mission President gave us a notebook with explicit vision, plan, and procedures (particularly those having to do with companion study), which was a direct answer to prayer!  

We learned to focus on bringing people to Christ through ordinances from President Bowman and now we’ll be learning to work with the Bishop more closely to retain the converts under President Barry.  As President Barry put it, “We stand on the shoulders of President Bowman (phenomenal baptism rate) to reach for something even higher “(phenomenal retention)—parentheses added. 

President Barry admonished us to “follow the keys.”  The Mission President holds keys for non-members within his mission.  The Bishops hold keys for members and non-members in their respective Ward boundaries.   The difference is, missionaries are primarily to teach investigators and ward members are supposed to find them.  Additionally, no one is to be baptized without the Bishop’s authorization.

 

A couple months ago, I was looking for something else and happened to run across “Leading a Great Ward Mission” Guidebook developed in the New England area (missionaryleaders.org, if you’re interested).  As an aside, Elder Baum noticed that our daughter Britta, who lives in VT, contributed photos for the publication, which of course, made it even more special.    Anyway, we shared it with our Bishop who responded very positively.  Of course, it was a complete coincidence that it was an unusually successful plan that embodied everything we learned at Zone Conference and will answer even more of our concern for a vision, plan, and procedure.