VISION

I read someone’s thought about the essence of vision:  Advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life you have imagined.  The future is not just some place you’re going to, but is a place you are creating, and the paths to it are not found, they are made. 

The Vision is to recognize and follow the Spirit.  Elder Baum does a better job of trusting the process than I do.

Several months ago, we started a mid-week Gospel study class with 1-2 people.  This week, we had nine young people there and one of the female soldiers even brought an investigator  (after a great lesson on member missionary work by the Elders).

I’ve been making progress with how I manage annoyances.  I have been calmly and patiently taking care of things as they come up.  By that I mean, if I start to be abrupt or sarcastic or belligerent, I call myself on it.  I stop it right then and there.  Interestingly, things are annoying me less and less.   

Even my husband noticed.  For example, he was giving me a suggestion about how to park in the driveway.  Ordinarily I would have ignored him or been offended.  This time, I admitted that I had forgotten and I was too tired to re-park.  He shared some tips and I noticed myself being genuinely interested. 

I'm starting to feel strangely liberated at times.

A young sister in our mission called asking for my help.  She was in a full blown panic.  Through guided imagery, I had her do the same meditation I’ve been testing.  It took 5 min.  She was pleasantly surprised at how quickly she regained her composure.

The last serendipity was that Elder Baum and I actually set our first missionary goal without any difference of opinion!  Diversity is said to yield better goals, but in our case, diversity also led to resistance, disunity, and inertia.  We actually acted on our goal together and had an unusually good FHE with a less active/part member family (meaning strong Spirit present, a lot of participation including Dad helping son in a loving patient way, Mom good-naturedly praying twice at husband's request, daughter teasing and then spontaneously repairing with her brother, mom allowing a story from the Book of Mormon, and them telling  us they loved us when we left)!

        

REPENTANCE

As you all know, repentance means change of mind.  I have debated about making my repentance public but if it will help people I truly love, it will be worth the risk.  I have often joked that the advantage of not being healed quickly, is that you have time to take notes. 

This last week has been difficult.  There are two sources of stress:  external and internal.  My goal is to stop up the holes that allow external stress to get inside me so I can then start bailing out all the stress that has accumulated from the past.  I have two types of reactions:  those toward my environment and those toward my memories, which often occur simultaneously.   

The treatment I am attempting to apply is to consistently observe my body in my mind’s eye (this is called body awareness).  Shifting my awareness from one finger to another, for example, makes it easier to objectively observe what I am thinking, and I find that it is true that I cannot be aware of my fingers and be lost in thought at the same time.   It changes my relationship with thought.  I begin seeing my thoughts as a kind of movie instead of getting caught up in the movie as if it were reality. 

The problem is I have a zillion conduits to my environment.  It’s like trying to stop up a sieve.  I can’t just poke my finger into one hole in the dam.  There are just too many holes.  I suspect I have become hypersensitive because I doubt myself.  The problem is, the more I doubt myself, the more hypervigilent I become to the environment, and the more hypvigilient I become, the more distracted I get, which causes me to be even more untrustworthy, and hence more doubtful!  Vicious cycles are vicious prisons and I am drowning in one of my own making.   It’s no wonder I have this permanent frown on my face (which Britta says she can see in her mind’s eye).

The instruction is to cast out doubt which means to trust my conscience.  I have apologized a lot this week.  There have been a few tiny little reasons for hope, however.  I started washing over with rage and an expletive came to my lips which I actually did not utter.  I haven’t gotten to the point where I can anticipate temptation.  I just suddenly have a flashflood of emotion.  We needed to go to Church and in the past, I would have taken the Sacrament and gone home, not trusting myself to be civil or sane.  But this time, I begged God to purge my soul, to root out the rock hard parts of my heart and allow me to be a more pure conduit for His love—hoping that as it passed through me to heal others it would heal my soul as well. 

As I walked bravely into the Church, our young Relief Society President came out of Ward Council and something I said started her crying.  She was so overwhelmed.  I took her outside and told her a story our Mission President’s wife relayed at the last Zone Conference.   

Sister Barry had been asked to be in charge of a play for the Church; something she had never done before.  She didn’t want to do it and would push it aside, even though it kept weighing down on her mind.  Finally, she went to the temple.  While there, she was reminded of her commitment to offer up all of her time and talent.  She said she came out “on fire”, ready to give her all.  She said everyone was supportive and even came to early morning practices.  Everyone worked long and hard and after the final dress rehearsal, she was cleaning up the cultural hall when some people came in to start a baptismal service.  She had forgotten about the baptism but really wanted to go, so she ran home, quickly changed her clothes, and slipped into the back, a little late.  She was totally exhausted.

She said as she was listening to the speaker, she wondered if this new member of the church knew what he was getting into.   At that very moment, she looked behind the right shoulder of the speaker and saw a picture of Christ.  These words came into her mind, “Now I will do the rest.”  She had done all that she could do, but it was not enough.  She said the next evening the play was performed better than they had ever practiced and everyone was edified beyond anything they could have ever done themselves.

Our little Relief Society President stopped crying, looked me in the eye and said with a hint of surprise, “That really helped me.”  Little did she know that it helped me too.    

MIRACLE #1

We met with a recent convert who told us her husband was introduced to pornography in Afghanistan and that she had discovered some things recently that had broken her heart.  I bore witness that if she would turn to God in her grief, He would manifest Himself unto her.  She sent this text after we left:

I did what you said.  I closed my eyes, opened the [scriptures] and pressed my finger to the page and this is what is landed on:  D&C 29:5 "lift up your hearts and be glad, for I am in your midst, and am your advocate with the father and it is his good will to give you the kingdom.  And, as it is written whatsoever ye shall ask in faith, being united in prayer according to my command, ye shall receive."

I commented that Christ paid a tremendous price to be able to succor us (which means to help us in a way that actually brings relief).  She acknowledged that the scripture had actually brought her more peace.

THOU SHALT NOT RESENT

One of our soldiers introduced the Church to his girlfriend.  They and the Elders met at our house for the third discussion on the Plan of Salvation.  The young woman started off with the cheerful announcement that she was pregnant along with their plan for her to be baptized in September and then married in November.  Our young soldier (who has been struggling with a long term pornography addiction) hastened to add that in a year, they planned to be sealed in the temple.  Of course, not to rain on their parade, we all expressed congratulations.

At the end of the discussion, the Elders challenged the young woman to be baptized.  She said she was looking forward to it and had already approached her fiance's father to perform the ordinance.  The soldier looked us all in the eye and said, "She is paying for my father's airline ticket to fly here, so if there is anything that will interfere with her being baptized, we need to know about it now."  He was reassured that not only would nothing interfere, but baptism would wash her sins completely away.  

That night, I slept fitfully.  I finally sat up in bed and began to sob.  I have been using a therapy designed for soldiers to get rid of resentment.  I am finding that I have layers and layers of it.  Perhaps you can imagine the moment of decision in which I chose to be a coward.  I was clearly prompted to bring up the problem of chastity because it is a requirement of baptism.  I knew the couple was staying together and the counsel is to either get married or live separately without any form of sexual intimacy.  I could not bring it up.  There was an elephant in the room and I could not bring it up.  No one else was bringing it up, either, even though we had all participated in a thorough discussion of chastity with another young woman earlier that afternoon.  

As my awareness increased (apparently, during sleep), the truth about my reluctance began to rise to the surface.  Wave upon wave of resentment washed over me, some of which bordered on rage.  How could our soldier, who holds the Aaronic Priesthood of God, have violated this young woman who may not even understand the principle of chastity?  He had been objectifying women for a long time and he thought that would be resolved in a year?  On the other hand, every person has enough of the Light of Christ to know good from evil (Moroni 7:16), so how could the woman be so glib and nonchalant about violating her own conscience?  How could she go about planning a traditional wedding with white gown and white cake as if nothing had happened?  There was not one hint of remorse from either of them.  

I felt my resentment toward the other Priesthood holders in the room.  Is fornication and adultery next to murder in seriousness, or not? (see Alma 39:3-5).  Why was it left up to me to say something?  Why hadn't they brought it up?  (I found out later that they all had been prompted as I had.)  It was then that I realized I had resentment toward having to take the lead in such matters.  And why was that?  Because I had broached the subject of chastity many times over the years, only to be judged as judgmental and pious and self-righteous.  I didn't want to risk being misjudged and then mistreated by these young people who were apparently wanting to correct their behavior by getting married.  I really hated having to be the one to point out the law or set the boundaries.  

Then the flood started.  The lack of virtue among those I have loved has consumed me.  I resented all the crying, yelling, gray faces, the guilt, confusion, hatred, and grief.  I resented being in the middle and I resented being on the outside.  I resented the compulsiveness, helplessness, nightmares, and the abyss that was ever crumbling at the edge of  my heels.  The despair of thinking I had a fatal flaw as I tried and failed, tried and failed.  I resented the gnawing need for comfort along with the realization that there was nothing in my human experience that could give it to me.  So I turned to God, determined to prove everyone wrong.  I sought so angrily and willfully to stop the transmission of  evil only to discover with horror that the multi-generational sins overflowed my makeshift dam and mowed me down along with my most cherished dreams.  Oh how I have resented those that I thought should have known better!!  I resented being ignored, rejected, and ridiculed, but most of all I resented those that wanted to "show" me back.  And then I resented myself for being imperfectly perfect (as someone so poignantly put it).

Now I know why I didn't say anything to that young couple so newly pregnant.  I didn't trust myself with all that resentment.

Now, I have the opportunity to face the Truth.  The Truth is, my response to immorality put me in bondage.  As I relived the injustices over and over, I became trapped in a virtual reality of past scenarios.  Because of that, I have made emotional decisions throughout my life instead of objective, logical ones based on Light and Truth.  I discern accurately, but then I judge, and then I resent.  I was ignoring my conscience like everyone else and I was using other's bad behavior to justify my own.  I am going to stop doing that.  I believe it is as easy as letting the thoughts go.  Christ already paid the price so I don't have to.  It will take patience, which is not one of my fortes, but I am determined.  Every time resentment surfaces on the windshield of my mind, I will acknowledge it and then turn on my windshield wiper.  I am going to make allowances and patiently endure every little annoyance by observing and discerning without judgment right then and there.  It will not mean I will never say anything.  It means I will say it with more love because I believe love is going to be the gift for finally forgiving.