GUESS WHO?

It's Brynn's birthday today and we are all so grateful she lived to tell about it.  One morning I went to get her up and found her already to go!!

We love you so much and hope you got to be Queen For A Day!  

STRESS MANAGEMENT

It was a stressful week.  We had been asked to teach the Plan of Salvation for our first ward missionary fireside but we had also volunteered to be delegates to the Army Family Action Planning (AFAP) conference.  The focus groups were meeting over the next three weeks to discuss grass roots issues in the Army.  Our mission encourages us to get involved on post and get to know people, so this was an opportunity to fulfill that commitment.  It turned out we had already met some people in our group in other capacities.  It was interesting to work together to refine and clearly state a problem with a possible solution, but we were torn because we hadn’t finished our fireside preparations.  On top of it, Elder Baum wasn’t feeling well (he got his flu shot and I think he was reacting).  We also worked through P-Day, washing and shopping in between everything else.

We had planned to give the lesson together like missionaries are taught to do, but after doctoring Elder Baum and putting him to bed, it became clear that the major responsibility would be mine.  I prayed for the enabling power of the Atonement.  Even though I burned two batches of cookies and let the dishes pile up, I felt amazingly calm and grateful (I beg God to help me not let things get to me, and to especially not take it out on my husband).  I wasn’t perfect, but Elder Baum commented that he didn’t even know I was stressed.

I don’t know if I was just noticing it more, or if I really did get an inordinate number of phone calls while I was preparing…the kind that you can’t put off.  Even so, I was preparing a power point presentation and noticed that I was able to find the perfect pictures almost effortlessly, which is unusual.  

I have to share one delightful image I found, trying to depict our reaction to the Plan of Salvation in the pre-existence:

I didn’t include it in the presentation because I wasn’t sure it was an accurate representation, even though that’s probably how it would have been for me.  The Hosanna Shout is a little more reserved (if that’s the shout we did back then).  I know we are cautioned about light mindedness and I'm not quite sure what that is either.  

I was trying to get a script down so Elder Baum could just read it, but then opted for an outline for me so he could just read the scriptures and quotes.  Setting up the equipment was a challenge and it took five adults to get it to work.  One of the soldiers needed a ride, so Elder Baum had to go do that before the meeting.  Our Samoan mission leader who was supposed to be conducting was predictably late so we started without him.  He was fortunately very good natured about it.  I secretly prayed that people would not be distracted by my husband’s and my weaknesses and that they would feel like it was worth them making an effort to come.  We had about 20 there, more than enough refreshments, and just about the right number of programs, even though we had no idea what to expect.

Afterward, a Samoan woman thanked me, explaining that she had been baptized in 2006 but had never really understood the Plan of Salvation.  Her exact words were, “It was worth coming.”

So it all worked out.  We’re taking our P-Day on Wed, Elder Baum is sleeping off his illness, and I am nurturing my soul with CES talks.  I listened to Elder Ballard today who quoted a poem that brought tears to my eyes, primarily because of my gratitude for the power of the Atonement:

  

The Oak Tree by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mighty wind blew day and night, It stole the oak tree's leaves away. Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around.... The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?" The oak tree said, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, carry every leaf away, shake my limbs, and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, they are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure, of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I"m so much stronger than I ever knew.”

AND THEY KNEW IT NOT

We sometimes wonder if the Spirit is working through us (part of my battle with impatience is wanting more immediate feedback).  

Last Wednesday, during our weekly gospel study, I sat down and just talked to the soldiers about what Elder Baum and I had learned about godliness (we’ve been teaching Peter’s list of Divine Attributes).  One of the young soldiers came to me the next Sunday and said he had had a “profound spiritual experience” in our class in which he felt impressed to more fully understand and use his Priesthood.  This is a new convert who is waiting a year to marry so he can take his bride to the temple (she is in NC).  His year will be up November 13^th.   His father and grandfather are pastors who raised him to be a devout Christian.  Their only request when he joined the Church was that he remain seriously committed to the beliefs he was espousing.  We encouraged him to get his Patriarchal Blessing.  

We never know who the Spirit may be teaching, to include the mighty spirits who come to our home.  It’s sobering to consider all the mistakes we’ve made as parents, but we have hope in Christ.  We can feel Him cleansing us as His Spirit passes through to bless others.  If you can believe this, I am gaining the power to control my terrible habit of impatience toward my husband.  There have been several times where I didn’t have to control it because I didn’t even feel it under usual provocative circumstances.  Every morning I beg God that He will help me find new and lasting ways to demonstrate love, concern, help, support and kindness to my precious husband as President Hinkley has admonished us women to do.  I don’t think I have ever had a prayer answered so often and in so many ways.  

Our dear friend Martha Coe suddenly graduated from life while serving her 5^th mission with her husband, Bill.  She was one of those women of peace; full of meekness, patience, kindness, and  love.  It showed in her beautiful face and she probably never knew the profound effect for good her quiet example had on me.  I want to emulate her and graduate with honors like she did.    

VISION

I read someone’s thought about the essence of vision:  Advance confidently in the direction of your dreams and endeavor to live the life you have imagined.  The future is not just some place you’re going to, but is a place you are creating, and the paths to it are not found, they are made. 

The Vision is to recognize and follow the Spirit.  Elder Baum does a better job of trusting the process than I do.

Several months ago, we started a mid-week Gospel study class with 1-2 people.  This week, we had nine young people there and one of the female soldiers even brought an investigator  (after a great lesson on member missionary work by the Elders).

I’ve been making progress with how I manage annoyances.  I have been calmly and patiently taking care of things as they come up.  By that I mean, if I start to be abrupt or sarcastic or belligerent, I call myself on it.  I stop it right then and there.  Interestingly, things are annoying me less and less.   

Even my husband noticed.  For example, he was giving me a suggestion about how to park in the driveway.  Ordinarily I would have ignored him or been offended.  This time, I admitted that I had forgotten and I was too tired to re-park.  He shared some tips and I noticed myself being genuinely interested. 

I'm starting to feel strangely liberated at times.

A young sister in our mission called asking for my help.  She was in a full blown panic.  Through guided imagery, I had her do the same meditation I’ve been testing.  It took 5 min.  She was pleasantly surprised at how quickly she regained her composure.

The last serendipity was that Elder Baum and I actually set our first missionary goal without any difference of opinion!  Diversity is said to yield better goals, but in our case, diversity also led to resistance, disunity, and inertia.  We actually acted on our goal together and had an unusually good FHE with a less active/part member family (meaning strong Spirit present, a lot of participation including Dad helping son in a loving patient way, Mom good-naturedly praying twice at husband's request, daughter teasing and then spontaneously repairing with her brother, mom allowing a story from the Book of Mormon, and them telling  us they loved us when we left)!

        

REPENTANCE

As you all know, repentance means change of mind.  I have debated about making my repentance public but if it will help people I truly love, it will be worth the risk.  I have often joked that the advantage of not being healed quickly, is that you have time to take notes. 

This last week has been difficult.  There are two sources of stress:  external and internal.  My goal is to stop up the holes that allow external stress to get inside me so I can then start bailing out all the stress that has accumulated from the past.  I have two types of reactions:  those toward my environment and those toward my memories, which often occur simultaneously.   

The treatment I am attempting to apply is to consistently observe my body in my mind’s eye (this is called body awareness).  Shifting my awareness from one finger to another, for example, makes it easier to objectively observe what I am thinking, and I find that it is true that I cannot be aware of my fingers and be lost in thought at the same time.   It changes my relationship with thought.  I begin seeing my thoughts as a kind of movie instead of getting caught up in the movie as if it were reality. 

The problem is I have a zillion conduits to my environment.  It’s like trying to stop up a sieve.  I can’t just poke my finger into one hole in the dam.  There are just too many holes.  I suspect I have become hypersensitive because I doubt myself.  The problem is, the more I doubt myself, the more hypervigilent I become to the environment, and the more hypvigilient I become, the more distracted I get, which causes me to be even more untrustworthy, and hence more doubtful!  Vicious cycles are vicious prisons and I am drowning in one of my own making.   It’s no wonder I have this permanent frown on my face (which Britta says she can see in her mind’s eye).

The instruction is to cast out doubt which means to trust my conscience.  I have apologized a lot this week.  There have been a few tiny little reasons for hope, however.  I started washing over with rage and an expletive came to my lips which I actually did not utter.  I haven’t gotten to the point where I can anticipate temptation.  I just suddenly have a flashflood of emotion.  We needed to go to Church and in the past, I would have taken the Sacrament and gone home, not trusting myself to be civil or sane.  But this time, I begged God to purge my soul, to root out the rock hard parts of my heart and allow me to be a more pure conduit for His love—hoping that as it passed through me to heal others it would heal my soul as well. 

As I walked bravely into the Church, our young Relief Society President came out of Ward Council and something I said started her crying.  She was so overwhelmed.  I took her outside and told her a story our Mission President’s wife relayed at the last Zone Conference.   

Sister Barry had been asked to be in charge of a play for the Church; something she had never done before.  She didn’t want to do it and would push it aside, even though it kept weighing down on her mind.  Finally, she went to the temple.  While there, she was reminded of her commitment to offer up all of her time and talent.  She said she came out “on fire”, ready to give her all.  She said everyone was supportive and even came to early morning practices.  Everyone worked long and hard and after the final dress rehearsal, she was cleaning up the cultural hall when some people came in to start a baptismal service.  She had forgotten about the baptism but really wanted to go, so she ran home, quickly changed her clothes, and slipped into the back, a little late.  She was totally exhausted.

She said as she was listening to the speaker, she wondered if this new member of the church knew what he was getting into.   At that very moment, she looked behind the right shoulder of the speaker and saw a picture of Christ.  These words came into her mind, “Now I will do the rest.”  She had done all that she could do, but it was not enough.  She said the next evening the play was performed better than they had ever practiced and everyone was edified beyond anything they could have ever done themselves.

Our little Relief Society President stopped crying, looked me in the eye and said with a hint of surprise, “That really helped me.”  Little did she know that it helped me too.    

MIRACLE #1

We met with a recent convert who told us her husband was introduced to pornography in Afghanistan and that she had discovered some things recently that had broken her heart.  I bore witness that if she would turn to God in her grief, He would manifest Himself unto her.  She sent this text after we left:

I did what you said.  I closed my eyes, opened the [scriptures] and pressed my finger to the page and this is what is landed on:  D&C 29:5 "lift up your hearts and be glad, for I am in your midst, and am your advocate with the father and it is his good will to give you the kingdom.  And, as it is written whatsoever ye shall ask in faith, being united in prayer according to my command, ye shall receive."

I commented that Christ paid a tremendous price to be able to succor us (which means to help us in a way that actually brings relief).  She acknowledged that the scripture had actually brought her more peace.

THOU SHALT NOT RESENT

One of our soldiers introduced the Church to his girlfriend.  They and the Elders met at our house for the third discussion on the Plan of Salvation.  The young woman started off with the cheerful announcement that she was pregnant along with their plan for her to be baptized in September and then married in November.  Our young soldier (who has been struggling with a long term pornography addiction) hastened to add that in a year, they planned to be sealed in the temple.  Of course, not to rain on their parade, we all expressed congratulations.

At the end of the discussion, the Elders challenged the young woman to be baptized.  She said she was looking forward to it and had already approached her fiance's father to perform the ordinance.  The soldier looked us all in the eye and said, "She is paying for my father's airline ticket to fly here, so if there is anything that will interfere with her being baptized, we need to know about it now."  He was reassured that not only would nothing interfere, but baptism would wash her sins completely away.  

That night, I slept fitfully.  I finally sat up in bed and began to sob.  I have been using a therapy designed for soldiers to get rid of resentment.  I am finding that I have layers and layers of it.  Perhaps you can imagine the moment of decision in which I chose to be a coward.  I was clearly prompted to bring up the problem of chastity because it is a requirement of baptism.  I knew the couple was staying together and the counsel is to either get married or live separately without any form of sexual intimacy.  I could not bring it up.  There was an elephant in the room and I could not bring it up.  No one else was bringing it up, either, even though we had all participated in a thorough discussion of chastity with another young woman earlier that afternoon.  

As my awareness increased (apparently, during sleep), the truth about my reluctance began to rise to the surface.  Wave upon wave of resentment washed over me, some of which bordered on rage.  How could our soldier, who holds the Aaronic Priesthood of God, have violated this young woman who may not even understand the principle of chastity?  He had been objectifying women for a long time and he thought that would be resolved in a year?  On the other hand, every person has enough of the Light of Christ to know good from evil (Moroni 7:16), so how could the woman be so glib and nonchalant about violating her own conscience?  How could she go about planning a traditional wedding with white gown and white cake as if nothing had happened?  There was not one hint of remorse from either of them.  

I felt my resentment toward the other Priesthood holders in the room.  Is fornication and adultery next to murder in seriousness, or not? (see Alma 39:3-5).  Why was it left up to me to say something?  Why hadn't they brought it up?  (I found out later that they all had been prompted as I had.)  It was then that I realized I had resentment toward having to take the lead in such matters.  And why was that?  Because I had broached the subject of chastity many times over the years, only to be judged as judgmental and pious and self-righteous.  I didn't want to risk being misjudged and then mistreated by these young people who were apparently wanting to correct their behavior by getting married.  I really hated having to be the one to point out the law or set the boundaries.  

Then the flood started.  The lack of virtue among those I have loved has consumed me.  I resented all the crying, yelling, gray faces, the guilt, confusion, hatred, and grief.  I resented being in the middle and I resented being on the outside.  I resented the compulsiveness, helplessness, nightmares, and the abyss that was ever crumbling at the edge of  my heels.  The despair of thinking I had a fatal flaw as I tried and failed, tried and failed.  I resented the gnawing need for comfort along with the realization that there was nothing in my human experience that could give it to me.  So I turned to God, determined to prove everyone wrong.  I sought so angrily and willfully to stop the transmission of  evil only to discover with horror that the multi-generational sins overflowed my makeshift dam and mowed me down along with my most cherished dreams.  Oh how I have resented those that I thought should have known better!!  I resented being ignored, rejected, and ridiculed, but most of all I resented those that wanted to "show" me back.  And then I resented myself for being imperfectly perfect (as someone so poignantly put it).

Now I know why I didn't say anything to that young couple so newly pregnant.  I didn't trust myself with all that resentment.

Now, I have the opportunity to face the Truth.  The Truth is, my response to immorality put me in bondage.  As I relived the injustices over and over, I became trapped in a virtual reality of past scenarios.  Because of that, I have made emotional decisions throughout my life instead of objective, logical ones based on Light and Truth.  I discern accurately, but then I judge, and then I resent.  I was ignoring my conscience like everyone else and I was using other's bad behavior to justify my own.  I am going to stop doing that.  I believe it is as easy as letting the thoughts go.  Christ already paid the price so I don't have to.  It will take patience, which is not one of my fortes, but I am determined.  Every time resentment surfaces on the windshield of my mind, I will acknowledge it and then turn on my windshield wiper.  I am going to make allowances and patiently endure every little annoyance by observing and discerning without judgment right then and there.  It will not mean I will never say anything.  It means I will say it with more love because I believe love is going to be the gift for finally forgiving.    

GOOD AND BAD

It occurred to me that faith without works is dead, but works without faith is also dead.  Humanists believe you can be good without God.  Perhaps for a little while but then  “Lord of the Flies” occurs because it really isn’t true that we can be good without God. 

If there is no God, there is no Devil, no sin, no law, etc.  Then who is to say what is good?  Humanists say it is humans (especially really smart ones) and yet humans can never agree.  There will always be someone who will debate the goodness of illicit substances, stealing, abortion, homosexuality, government education, democracy, pedophilia, and the badness of religion, families, work, honesty, fidelity, etc, etc. 

If it hadn’t been for God (more particularly the Messiah), we would never be resurrected, and our spirits would be doomed to serve the father of lies (see 2 Ne 9:8-10).  So no matter how “good” we live, we can never overcome the fact that we are helpless against death and hell without someone to rescue us.  

Fortunately, God is wise enough to rescue without enabling or perpetuating our weakness.  That is why we view the rescue difficult.  What?  Dig out with a spoon?  Too hard, too far, too long, too nebulous, too……..

OUR CUP RUNNETH OVER

It has been difficult to write because so much change is occurring.  It takes awhile to assess when one’s cup is overflowing.  

We came across a coping strategy prepared for soldiers and my husband and I tested it before recommending it.  After meditating twice a day for a week, I am becoming more aware of my conscience and making much better decisions in the moment.  I am learning to do what is right without getting caught up in the virtual reality of my thoughts.  In other words, I am making fewer emotional decisions.  I am experiencing  less judgment, less resentment , less anger, less anxiety, less cowardice, more courage, more patience, more immediate forgiveness, more joy, and best of all, more of the Holy Spirit.  If nothing else, a mission would have been worth this metamorphosis.

One interesting insight has been how much resentment I have harbored against Kerry’s military career.  I had no idea.  It just came to the surface one day.  The resentment was the major reason I was having trouble connecting with people, because as soon as I realized it and let it go, I began feeling so much more love and guidance.  Instead of setting goals to be or do something I’m not, I am being still and letting ideas and directions come to me.  For the first time in our married life, my husband and I were able to effortlessly plan our work together.  I could hardly believe it.   

The broad path gets narrower and the narrow path gets broader in terms of personal freedom and power to act, but it’s not apparent at first.  That’s why enduring patience is one of the critical attributes of divine nature.   I was enduring, but not patiently.  DOING strait and narrow is different than BEING strait and narrow.

ANOTHER JOY

Today is Georgia’s birthday!  She was our very first granddaughter and she is girl enough for three granddaughters!!  She also has a great sense of humor as you can see: 

SCHEDULE

We are so blessed physically.  Once we got over the new strange microorganisms indigenous to GA, we have not had any illness.  We get up at 0600 and go run the track (well I run the track and Elder Baum walks because his knee is shot).  I do 1.75 mi in 20 min.  Slow but it gets my heart rate up and gives me time to memorize scriptures (2 per week).  Not only does physical exercise enhance memory but we gain more insight when we memorize the exact words. 

Take John 15:16 for example:  Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain:  That whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you (emphasis added). 

The emphasis of our new mission is greater retention (it was only 47% in the GA Macon mission), so this scripture directly addresses our Mission goals.  It also sounds as though the bringing forth of fruit that remains prepares us to pray more effectively.  Planting, cultivating, harvesting souls apparently begets oneness with Diety.

We also thought it was interesting in Moroni 7:16 that the test of whether something is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ, is inviting to do good AND persuading to believe in Christ.  There are philosophies that invite to do good but do not accept Christ as the Savior of the World.

On the way to and from the track, we read the Book of Mormon so by the time we are through exercising, we only need another half hour of study which is usually out of Preach My Gospel.  I also work in eye exercises and drinking the majority of my 2 qts of water to and from the track. 

Part of our morning devotional is listening to Conference talks while we are getting dressed.   Every member missionary needs to review Elder Holland’s powerful talks on the Godhead, continuing revelation, and the Book of Mormon.

After studying, we plan our day.  It’s getting easier (probably because I no longer call it planning).  We casually talk over breakfast about how we can make the day more efficient and effective and pray about how to help specific people. 

Launching is much better lately but landing is still chaotic.  When we are tired, we don’t feel like processing all the information we gathered during the day.  I do a lot while we’re driving, but some things need to be entered into computer files and I find myself procrastinating.

We eat simply (bread, fruit, milk for breakfast; main meal at 1300—fish twice/wk; & salad or soup for supper).   It's the left over ice cream we buy for the soldiers that is keeping us from losing weight.  We try to be asleep by 2200. 

On Preparation Day, we clean, wash, organize, and cook for the week.  We call, write letters and pay bills as we go.   We don’t watch TV or listen to the news.  We cannot attend the temple because it’s outside mission boundaries.  We read to relax (I’m currently reading Brain Rules by Medina, and Elder Baum enjoys politically oriented material).  We are careful not to talk about politics to others.

Contention has almost completely resolved between us.  If either of us feel it, we acknowledge it and say, “It’s my fault.  Will you forgive me?”  Today I said, “It’s partly my fault.  Will you forgive me?”  We had a good laugh. 

One of our counterparts said his son had some misgivings about them.  Son said, “What are you going to do without me when it comes time to reset your digital watch twice a year?”  Elder R said, “I’m not a complete dunce.  I’ll just buy a second watch!”

BROKEN AND CONTRITE?

This week has been a challenge because I had to come to terms with some of my thinking habits.  I have been struggling with a perception of loss—loss of progress, loss of trust, loss of family, loss of confidence, loss of opportunities, loss of light, loss of  effectiveness, loss of love, loss of spontaneity, and while I’m at it, loss of identity.  It started off as a broken heart and contrite spirit, I thought.  Broken heart could be an open heart which could be compatible with a sense of happiness, but contrite means “remorse, filled with a sense of guilt; desire for atonement; penitent”; a natural precursor to repentance.  About the only thing in that definition that could produce happiness is the desire for atonement.  I have a lot of remorse and guilt that can bring tears at any given moment. 

In my grief, I asked God for enlightenment because I did not feel filled with the Spirit and we are not supposed to teach without it.  Perhaps that’s why we have so many no shows.  God is protecting people.  Or maybe it’s because we are old and they don’t relate to us.  Or maybe it's my abrupt personality.  Something is wrong.

 Our youngest daughter Natalie had some remarkably wise words on the subject:

2 Corinthians 7:10 “For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”

If you replace the word “sorrow” with the word “guilt” the message is the same: is your feeling of “guilt” or “sorrow” creating real, lasting change (i.e. repentance)?  Or is it creating discouragement, fear, frustration, and pain—in other words, “death” to your hope/happiness/love?  If it’s creating the latter, then it is merely worldly guilt.  It’s not God’s guilt.

Verse 11 goes on to say:

“For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.”

So godly sorrow creates “CAREFULNESS” and “CLEARS” indignation, fear, vehement desire, zeal and revenge.

For me, I’ve found that when I make real change, my sorrow is indeed a happy sorrow.  It’s an elightened sorrow—an “AH HA” moment that helps me overcome what was really going wrong.  It’s a feeling of relief that I finally know what the problem was and now I can correct the issue.

Just like having a broken heart is truly joyful, having a contrite heart is simply the happy, joyful trust that the Lord will show you what needs to change most.

PS You have no shows because the people choose not to show up.  No other reason.

Me: Your PS is so true.  I’m not sure why I’m having these thoughts.  Maybe I’ve always tended toward thought sins and now that I have more time to think, I’m back to the old ways.  Like you say, I haven’t repented.  I’m still not sure how to overcome the anxiety which spawns it.  It’s the fatal flaw syndrome that I thought I was over.  I had that aha a long time ago but no amount of logic, prayer, thinking differently, etc has seemed to permanently root it out.  God has filled me with His love which worked for a long time.  He even let me experience myself as a toddler when I was free from those thoughts, but I can’t seem to sustain it.  I wonder if I’ve ever experienced Godly sorrow.  If not, I have no idea how to change it from what I’m doing.   

Nat:  The Lord knows the answer to the “why” you’re feeling these thoughts.  But one thing is certain—regardless of the “why”--it’s the negative thoughts themselves that need your full efforts toward change (as opposed to the seemingly insurmountable weaknesses that these thoughts always point out).  I have no doubt you will have a great experience with the Lord in the near future.

He LOVES you and wants you to be truly happy.  NOW.

Remember scripture says Job was “perfect” BEFORE his trials came to refine him further.  This teaches us that perfection is far from what we think it is.  And we can be perfect well before we think we are.

You are perfect.  Today.  Right now.  Weakness and all.  Why?  Because when you’re doing your best (which I believe you are but only God can reassure you of that truth), you qualify for the atonement and are therefore perfect through His grace.

I also think you and I have the same tendency to feel we are fatally flawed—and that fault itself never entirely disappears because each new experience or failure re-challenges my confidence that God will make up for where I lack.  But like you mentioned, our turn around times can get faster.

Cut yourself some slack in this new experience.  Missions are hard!  And unlike your job at the VA, where people had respect for you and you could stop seeing them if they didn’t, in GA people are more likely to be hard on you or think you’re just another stuffy religious lady.  It’s not easy for ANYONE to be faced with rejection.  This is your cusp, Mom.  Your whole life has prepared you for this!  You are ready.  You can do it!

Me:  Oh my goodness, my cup runneth over.  In addition to you, the Lord has used so many people this weekend to comfort and direct me.  Here’s the few I can remember:

The Relief Society President felt prompted to tell a story of how a person was weighed down by a bag on his back.  Inside were orbs which he was told to “absorb” (which means to convert!) until they were all gone.  With the weight gone, he was able to help others much more freely. 

Buffy randomly told me about a new book her friend wanted her to read by Virginia Hinkley Pearce:  Through His Eyes: Rethinking What You Believe About Yourself.

 One of our military officers gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting on the Thirteenth Article of Faith and focused on enduring.  He said we couldn’t cram endurance.  We build it by doing small things on a daily basis over a long period of time.  The “small thing” he emphasized throughout his whole talk was controlling our thoughts.

The conference talk we listened to today was Turn To the Lord by Elder Donald L. Hallstrom:  “Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.” 

When I was putting on my armor this morning, I realized it’s His armor and He places it when it is expedient i.e. the breastplate of righteousness is what protects the heart but the shield of faith is what quenches the fiery darts of the Evil One while you’re waiting.  My feet are protected by the gospel of peace and my head (where my thoughts run rampant) is protected by salvation (grace, atonement, even resurrection?  I say resurrection because I suspect part of my problem will not be resolved until my body is renewed.  I often have night terrors where I thrash and cry and scream.  My poor husband has to get out of the bed to protect himself!)      

One of our memorization scriptures for this month:  “And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient” (emphasis added).

Here’s what has happened since.  I began to “absorb my orbs” by swallowing pride.  For example, they have parking lots here that span blocks with only one entrance and exit.  We were late for an appointment and my husband made a wrong turn and got lost in one of those never ending lots.  I started to feel angry and then uncharacteristically started joking about getting caught in a rat maize.  I found myself laughing out loud.  Before long, Kerry started laughing too and pointed out that it must be a roach maize because rats can at least eventually find their way out. 

I’ve had a clear sense that what I have always valued as a talent for finding the shortest distance from A to B was actually fueled by anxiety, and that too much efficiency interferes with relationships, especially the important ones.  I have determined to slow down.

I read that learning is more effective and long lasting if multiple senses are involved.  My husband sent me Pandora, a program for creating your own radio station.  I have been enjoying Bach while I’m eating and memorizing.  I also feel happier.

I started waking up every morning in very cheerful moods, through no effort of my own, other than praying with my husband that I will be protected from whatever is distressing me.  I have not been paying attention to what time it is, but rather how long I’m spending at something.  I’m trying to listen for the Spirit.  Sometimes I feel He says to spend less time, and sometimes more.  Surprisingly, I have been much better prepared for the next day this whole week.   

DO I BELONG?

We were asked to give a fireside on baptism for the Young Women.  As I pondered the rich symbolism of being born again through baptism by immersion of water followed by baptism by immersion with the Holy Spirit, I became more aware of what it means to come out of the world and into the strait (difficult) and narrow path of the Kingdom of God.  Sometimes, instead of fellow saints, we feel like fellow foreigners, depending on what our world was like before and after we entered the "labor" of this introductory covenant.

This week and last week’s Sunday School and Relief Society lessons were on eternal families, temple marriage, and the principle of work.  So many people do not fit the “ideal” nor do they have a lot of hope in attaining it.  How does a teacher encourage members of the Church without inadvertently creating a sense of failure or estrangement or even hopelessness?    

I was reading a life story of a woman who came from a dysfunctional family.  She said, “Remember, nothing bad has happened in your future.”  Instead of diminishing or forgetting the ideal, which is designed to maximize joy and protect us from gigantic setbacks, perhaps we could embrace it for what it is and teach with power from our experience with the less-than-perfect.  If we are doing all we can do, we can go forth in faith and claim our promised blessings in due time.  In the May 2006 General Conference, President Packer said, “Christ is the Creator, the Healer.  What He made, He can fix” and I believe that includes our dreams of perfection.

And those of us who have been so privileged to marry in the temple, who have never gone through a divorce, or who have never been single with a child and had to go on welfare,--perhaps we could humbly acknowledge that "there but for the grace of God go I."  In fact, there are so many exceptions to the ideal that it makes me wonder if having to grapple and grow in the furnace of frustration is an instructive and important part of attaining the ideal for most people.  So let’s hold hands while we walk, because the road to sanctification is not predictable up close, and we might be next.

HOSPITAL ROUNDS

We do weekend rounds at the hospital for the chaplain.  A mother and adult daughter at the hospital were battling the same kind of cancer.  I was wishing I had a cancer survivor story to share with them and one of the old Ensigns I was reading in the bathroom that evening, had the perfect story-- (Twice Spared)!  When I shared it today, six of their extended family was there, and everyone seemed thoroughly pleased with our message.  They all stood up for Elder Baum’s prayer.  We just love these devout people in the South! 

Talks in Church were exceptionally good on the 11^th Article of Faith.  We were taught to “hold and uphold our freedom” and to beware of Satan’s attempt to thwart the freedom of religion through “loud and proud atheists.”  We do not wish to silence them, just prevent them from silencing us.

We fed enchiladas to a dozen soldiers today, two more of whom are starting to come back to Church.

I’m trying out Facebook.  Even though I’m still somewhat intimidated by it, it was good to see and talk to people.  The Church is piloting Facebook missionaries.  

TRANSFER OF MANTLE

As of 30 June 2011, there is no longer a GA Macon Mission.  It was divided up to become part of three other missions.  We are now in the FL Jacksonville Mission (JAX) under President Barry.  It turns out that Sister Barry is the daughter of our dear neighbors Vaughn and Connie Thomas!  Also, Randy and Dianna Graham’s son is a Zone Leader in our mission.  We met a young (as distinguished from old, like us) Sister Gneighting whose uncle was one of Sister Baum’s nursing students (he’s now a Nurse Practitioner with his own clinic).  Her grandfather was in the Southwest Indian Mission with Elder Baum who later worked with him at BYU!  It was like old home week.

Our Zone Conference was so uplifting, we were exhausted when it was over.  President Barry renewed our appreciation for the Atonement, which is the whole reason we are serving a mission.  Christ makes being good worth it.  Admittedly, there are many intrinsic benefits to living the Gospel, but we would still be enslaved by Satan, no matter how good we were, if it weren’t for the Savior.  We could never repay Him.  Not only that, He wants us to be saved as families, so we're also on a mission for our children and grandchildren.  Simone turns 4 years old today.  This is a picture of her in her spaceship.  Wouldn't you WORK to have that baby for eternity???  

  

We had an interesting experience with some of the changes in our mission.  We’ve been trying to keep up with the regimen of the young elders but haven’t quite mastered companion planning and study.   We were also struggling to develop our own goals within the vision of our Mission President.  Our new Mission President gave us a notebook with explicit vision, plan, and procedures (particularly those having to do with companion study), which was a direct answer to prayer!  

We learned to focus on bringing people to Christ through ordinances from President Bowman and now we’ll be learning to work with the Bishop more closely to retain the converts under President Barry.  As President Barry put it, “We stand on the shoulders of President Bowman (phenomenal baptism rate) to reach for something even higher “(phenomenal retention)—parentheses added. 

President Barry admonished us to “follow the keys.”  The Mission President holds keys for non-members within his mission.  The Bishops hold keys for members and non-members in their respective Ward boundaries.   The difference is, missionaries are primarily to teach investigators and ward members are supposed to find them.  Additionally, no one is to be baptized without the Bishop’s authorization.

 

A couple months ago, I was looking for something else and happened to run across “Leading a Great Ward Mission” Guidebook developed in the New England area (missionaryleaders.org, if you’re interested).  As an aside, Elder Baum noticed that our daughter Britta, who lives in VT, contributed photos for the publication, which of course, made it even more special.    Anyway, we shared it with our Bishop who responded very positively.  Of course, it was a complete coincidence that it was an unusually successful plan that embodied everything we learned at Zone Conference and will answer even more of our concern for a vision, plan, and procedure.  

  

SERENDIPIDIES

Part of our calling is Public Relations so as volunteers for Army Community Services, we have been preparing to teach classes on post.  The first course we attended was called “Army Family Team Building” (AFTB) and the second was on building resiliency.   The AFTB program is to introduce spouses to Army family life with subjects ranging from Army acronyms, to protocols, to communication skills, to how to be a better leader.  We’ve met some wonderful people. 

The resiliency training turned out to be helpful to us as a couple.  We got sick again which slowed us down and we took time to actually discuss how to handle some of our long standing patterns differently.  We reduced our conflict to 0% the last 10 days which has been an amazing blessing! 

The malady we were fighting was another specialized GA flu (our 3^rd one).  It hit us in the chest this time without any coryza and left us with a congested cough.  We wheezed on exhalation instead of inhalation (sorta like a smokers cough).  Ohmygoodness!  It may BE a smokers cough.  I had to use Elder Baum’s hankie over my mouth one night because there was a blanket of smoke outside.  Apparently, lightning struck & started another fire.  It’s quite dry here because when it does rain, it pours and then quickly runs off without watering the plant life sufficiently.  Fire is actually the most common disaster.

We’ve been re-listening to conference talks.  Here are some quotes we didn’t hear the first two times:

Carl B Pratt:  President James E. Faust suggested that the payment of tithing is “an excellent insurance against divorce” (“Enriching Your Marriage,” Liahona, Apr. 2007, 5; Ensign, Apr. 2007, 7).  The payment of tithing helps us develop a submissive and humble heart and a grateful heart that tends to “confess … his hand in all things” (D&C 59:21). Tithe-paying fosters in us a generous and forgiving heart and a charitable heart full of the pure love of Christ.  

David A. Bednar:  Revelation is communication from God to His children on the earth and one of the great blessings associated with the gift and constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught, “The Holy Ghost is a revelator,” and “no man can receive the Holy Ghost without receiving revelations” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith [2007], 132).  

M Russell Ballard:  The future growth of the Church will not happen through just knocking on strangers’ doors. It will happen when the members, along with our missionaries, filled with the love of God and Christ discern needs and respond to those needs in the spirit of charitable service.  When we do this, brothers and sisters, the honest in heart will feel our sincerity and our love. Many will want to know more about us. Then and only then will the Church expand to fill all of the earth. This cannot be accomplished by missionaries alone but requires the interest and service of every member.  

  

And last but not least is this gem from our former Bishop, Bruce D Porter, who is now a Seventy, from a talk he gave at BYU, printed in the June Ensign:  Regardless of what the future may hold, God has ordained that in the dispensation of the fullness of times, the parents of the Church will be given power to help save their children from the darkness around them.    

OH WHAT JOY!

We helped teach an amazing young woman and she was baptized today!  Her given name is spelled KCar-lene and she goes by KC.  She has been married a year but her husband was deployed 10 months of it.  He got home a week ago.  They have the most adorable baby named Temperance who tries to wave her hand to her daddy at the grand old age of 1 month!  McKenzie is Temperance's energetic, four year old sister.  At first, Tom didn't want KC to change anything about herself (which I thought was adorable), but then she convinced him that it would be better if she weren't smoking.  He did agree and is now very supportive of her.  

BROKEN AND CONTRITE

I’ve been thinking more about this God we worship who is called Jesus Christ.  Whenever I consider the worlds he has made, his wondrous life and works, I am astounded that He submitted to such humiliation and pain and that any of us could have inflicted it.  How could we have turned so far from Him whom we loved and supported not so long ago?  How could He love us so much and we be so fickle in our affection?   Even after all we have been given, I’m appalled at how “prone to wander” I am personally and I pray every day that He will forgive my unworthiness and extend His great mercy to all those around me.  


I did have an epiphany this week which I hope I can articulate.  We know we are given Commandments to protect us (like the fence at the top of the hill instead of the ambulance at the bottom).  We also know if we live the commandments, we will be blessed (all blessings are predicated on law).  But there is yet another reason that had never occurred to me.  As I was studying Preach My Gospel, I read where commandments are given to us to "apply gospel principles"--a lab assignment of sorts where we have to put abstract concepts into practice; somewhat like writing a paper improves our vocabulary and logic.   


Let's say the commandment I'm working on is charity (if we have not charity, we are nothing) and I am going to apply the first two principles of the Gospel which are faith and repentance.  I faithfully make my desire for charity a matter of study, prayer, and fasting, trusting God that He will teach me to love like He does.  My mind becomes more alert as to what charity is and what it is not.  I begin to notice how often I am impatient, unkind, puffed up, seeking my own, easily provoked or offended, and judgmental.  I am shocked.  Faith leads me to change my mind (the definition of repentance).  I stop indulging in "thought sins" that lead to hostility (as Elder Lynn G. Robbins taught). 


After awhile, I notice that I am miraculously losing my desire for sin through no thought of my own.  I wonder if this is what it means to be cleansed or sanctified by the Holy Spirit.  The "good news", the truth, is that even at this fundamental level, God is mercifully saving me from myself, making my burden lighter and my cross easier to bear.  I feel more gratitude and trust (more faith) and I am more successful at avoiding contention because I am not only losing my lust for it (I am becoming repentant) but I am feeling more love for the Savior (we love Him because He first loved us).   I notice that people are responding to the love God has for them because I am not getting in the way of it as much. 


In summary, love the verb becomes Love the noun as our growing faith (trust in Christ) leads to repentance (a change of mind and heart or conversion).  And what are we being converted to?  If His goal is to bring about our Eternal Life, then perhaps it has something to do with that.  Perhaps Commandments are the curriculum that produces the ability to live His kind of life.  So complaining or resisting would be like saying, "I don't want to be a King or Queen.  It's too hard, too long, too incomprehensible, too boring, too unlike me" (which is the whole point, I thought).  This God we worship paid an incomprehensible price so He could qualify to assist us and we don't  want it????  As for me, "I will reach for the joy of celestial to reward, till all that God offers is mine" (to quote one of my favorite songs).

WEDDING!!

Our son was married today to his mortal angel.  It was so hard not to be there.

THE BE-DO PRINCIPLE

We’ve been praying and fasting to recognize and follow the Spirit.  One of the things we teach is that faith in Christ leads to repentance (change of mind).   One of the things Elder Baum and I have been led to change is how we deal with conflict between us.  Instead of contention, we are becoming more loving, kind, patient, and long-suffering.  We find ourselves thanking God at the end of the day for the power (faith) to overcome habits that interfere with the Spirit.  Faith begets mercy which then begets greater faith.  

We have been volunteering at the hospital to help the chaplain cover the weekend.  It’s so satisfying to watch people rally after Elder Baum has prayed for them.  We are often prompted to do or say something we would not have ordinarily thought of…like printing pictures of Christ someone sent on the Internet and finding a perfect opportunity to pass them on, or singing a hymn, or giving a lesson on the Parable of the Sower, or encouraging someone to live their dream and then having them read James 1:5.  One gentleman began to weep when we pointed out that God must have something more for him to do.  I gave him a hug with the hope he didn’t mind and found out it was a very Baptist thing to do!! 

TENDER MERCIES

Every Sunday we serve dinner for single soldiers who live in barracks and do not have transportation.  We were out shopping for food and I dropped my ID card.  Someone saw it and told me.  It would have been such a nightmare to have to replace it; plus security is high right now so I have to show it everywhere.

Patrick got the school he needed for promotion!! We went to a candlelight vigil for fallen soldiers and realized no one in our immediate family has been a victim of war!!  Hope it stays that way.

Mindy attended Kerry Jr's graduation from Medical School and he made it home safe in his truck with trailer.

I felt prompted to call one of our less active members but no answer until the next morning when I caught her crying.  She's having trouble with a pregnancy and her husband is deployed.  She agreed to come to Relief Society with me!  I thought I knew everything there was to know about 72hr kits, but learned to put it all in a small rolling garbage can which then fits neatly in the car.  This is good since I forgot to bring my water purifier and hauling our cases of water on foot would be problematic.

Chaplain Brown was SO grateful that we were going to visit patients at the post hospital on the weekend.  Another less active mother participated in our story for her children and agreed to a return visit.  We had a good turnout of young single adults Wednesday night for a lesson on faith.  Of course, ice cream helped which is still available and still fairly affordable.  We celebrated Elder Baum's 72nd birthday and he lived through it.  We had another reactivation today which means God is blessing our efforts to encourage people to make and keep covenants.

It occurred to me today that light mindedness is the opposite of reverence.

COINCIDENCE??

We only had one young single soldier that could come to Family Home Evening at the church (usually we have 2-3).   She seemed grateful to get off post and talk about the Gospel.  She has been newly called as a nursery leader.  When we were leaving, she stopped to talk to someone and a young woman drove up in her truck, got out and started crying in the darkness of the parking lot.  She hadn’t been coming to church because her husband was a non-member and so we had been teaching her 18mo old nursery lessons at home.  She said she had never left home before and she didn’t want to park at a restaurant.  I hugged her while she wept.  We talked her into coming with us while we drove our soldier home.  We picked up ice cream on the way and she was laughing and talking before too long.  Millie invited her to bring her daughter to nursery as she got out of the car.  We were able to encourage her to approach her husband with love and gratitude on the way home.  I don’t think it was coincidental that we were the only ones she knew and we just happened to be there when she drove up, along with a young woman about her age who taught nursery.  Since then, she and Emma have come to church regularly and her husband even thanked her that they were able to discuss it without anger.

Obedience and Sacrifice

At the Misstionary Training Center (MTC) we were told missionaries were sometimes called to certain mission presidents.  We have had the privilege of serving under the visionary and inspired leadership of President and Sister Bowman, who love the Lord, their missionaries, and the people of the South.  Under their direction, there has been a five-fold increase in the number of baptisms in this area (1014 new members in 2010!).  

The obedience and faith of the missionaries is astounding.  For example, under direction of the President they got rid of their couches, only eat for half hour per meal, and do not eat at member’s homes unless there is someone there for them to teach.  These young men and women get up at 0630 and go to bed at 1030 after grueling days of tracting.  Our dear district leader Elder Bradbury (left) walked holes in the gel liners he put in his shoes.  The chemical burned all the callouses and skin off his feet, but he just kept right on walking regardless of the pain.  That kind of dedication produces miracles e.g. a young married soldier saw our Elders riding their bikes in the hot sun and hailed them down, requesting to be baptized, so Elder Bradbury got a chance to get off his feet and teach.

We set goals, not because we have power to control outcomes, but because we want to demonstrate our willingness to do God’s will.  If we are aligned with what He would have us do, He then produces the outcomes.  It doesn’t take long before our belief becomes deep abiding trust and we begin to rejoice in our privilege, no matter the cost.

Just Do It

What an experience so far!!  It has been a mental, spiritual, physical, social-emotional shock coming out of the world to serve the Lord full time in the Georgia Macon Mission.  Furthermore, the challenge of writing about our experience in a public forum seemed daunting, but we believe, with God’s help, we will be able to communicate some of the great things He has done.  

To begin, missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are called by revelation to areas where they have been specially prepared to serve (see Elder Rasband’s address on the remarkable process for calling missionaries:  http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/the-divine-call-of-a-missionary?lang=eng.)  So why were we called to Ft Stewart in Coastal Georgia?   (We wanted to serve as military relations representatives, but we didn’t request any particular location.)

Georgia (GA) was the last of the original Thirteen Colonies and the fourth state to ratify the United States Constitution.  It was also one of the original seven states  to secede from the Union and was the last Confederate state to be restored.  We, like GA, strongly believe in States rights, but understand the importance of one nation under God.  We contemplated working in the political arena but then decided to go on a mission instead because we believe what Ezra Taft Benson said in his address “Born of God” http://lds.org/liahona/1989/10/born-of-god?lang=eng&query=slums :  “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”

Georgians would support that statement.  They love the Lord.  They have stopped us in the grocery store, on the street, and in restaurants to talk about it.  A woman waited on us in the Post Office, and when she saw our tags, she took our hands in hers and thanked us.  Even restroom graffiti reflects the thinking of these humble people:  “God is watching” and “Jesus loves you.  Believe it.  Think it.  Live it.”   

We are here as representatives of Jesus Christ because the Lord wants to bless these people for their righteous hearts.  Part of the challenge is to believe that God will help us in spite of our weakness.